'Ancient Aliens' is about as interesting as total bullshit can be.
I see eye-to-eye with pretty much everyone who is approximately six feet tall.
Chocolate malts always taste better through a straw. Just like ox blood.
Shit. I opened my umbrella indoors and now I have cervical cancer.
"What did the ghost man say to his ghost girlfriend? Give up? ‘Hey, Boo!’…God I hate myself." –Me talking to my reflection this morning
Got my flu shot this morning. Super excited to be able to have unprotected sex with pigs and birds now.
I went to New York City and all I got was this lousy Hepatitis C infection.
It’s awkward if you wake up with morning wood at a friend’s place, but more awkward if you whip it out and start jumping up and down.
The coolest thing about NYC is that all the homeless people have invisible friends!
The only movie that is guaranteed to make me cry is that sex tape my ex girlfriend sent me after we broke up.
I bet Neil Armstrong can’t get an erection unless he’s in zero gravity.
Never go to bed angry. Or wet. Especially wet.
ATTENTION, CHILDREN EVERYWHERE: Balloons are just reject condoms filled with air.
The only thing worse than driving through Nebraska is getting raped while driving through Nebraska.
I could open my window shades and let the sunlight in, but I hate the outside world and its indefatigable judgement.